By the mid-twentieth century, psychology was recognising the importance of secure attachments and emotional availability in child development.
Parenting advice literature became increasingly popular in the 1970s, focusing on the importance of nurturing and responsive caregiving.
The 1990s saw the rise of the ‘intensive parenting’ model, which emphasised the need for parents to be emotionally available, involved, and attentive to every need of their children.
This model aligns with the neoliberal emphasis on individual responsibility, self-improvement, and self-realisation, and it is not surprising that parental burnout has become more common in this era.
Parental burnout is not just a personal problem—it is a societal one. As long as we continue to value individualism and self-reliance over interdependence and community, parental burnout will remain a prevalent issue.
Recognising this, we can start to work towards a more balanced and sustainable approach to parenting, one that prioritises the well-being of both parents and children.
Parenting is undoubtedly a challenging role, but with the right support and resources, it is possible to navigate the complexities and pressures of modern parenting without succumbing to burnout. By acknowledging the societal and cultural factors that contribute to parental burnout, we can begin to address the root causes and create a more nurturing and supportive environment for parents and children alike.
Parental burnout is a real and serious issue, but it is not insurmountable. With awareness, understanding, and a commitment to self-care and self-compassion, parents can overcome burnout and create a more positive and fulfilling parenting experience for themselves and their children.
Ultimately, parental burnout is a call to action—a reminder to prioritise our own well-being and to seek support when needed. By taking care of ourselves, we can better care for our children and create a more harmonious and loving family dynamic.
Parenting is a journey filled with challenges and rewards, and by addressing parental burnout head-on, we can ensure that it is a journey filled with love, joy, and fulfillment.
He shone an unforgiving light on the myriads of things that can go wrong in our early years, and the lasting damage that traumas and microtraumas can cause, including intergenerational ones.
In addition to depth psychology, we also saw the rise of behaviourism, which advocated reward and punishment strategies, rigorous routines, and a hard-nosed don’t kiss, don’t touch, don’t show affection kind of parenting.
Permissive, gentle, and empathic parenting became popular in the 1960s, partly thanks to Dr Benjamin Spock’s hugely influential parenting book from 1946, and partly because of a more general anti-authoritarian cultural climate.
In the 1980s and 1990s, we saw a return of more authoritarian parenting styles, perhaps because more and more women entered the work-force and had to find more pragmatic and less time-intensive ways to parent to achieve a manageable work-life balance.
Thanks to the rise of Positive Psychology and mindfulness, as well as to increased knowledge of developmental psychology and the neuroscience of parenting, which have clearly shown the damaging effects of authoritarian and neglectful parenting, our current parenting trends are firmly on the compassionate, permissive, and authoritative side of the spectrum.
We know how important secure attachment is and also value mental wellbeing, emotional literacy, and social skills as highly as never before in history.
Most experts also agree that total laissez-faire-style parenting is not ideal either, and that high compassion and empathy should ideally be paired up with reasonable boundaries.
Current parenting styles include positive parenting, positive discipline, conscious parenting, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, and free-range parenting.
In less positive terms, we also talk about helicopter, performance, and snow-plough parenting. The social psychologist Jonathan Haidt has introduced the notions of “safetyism” and “fearful parenting.”
Shifting Patterns and High-Cost Parenting
The sociologist Markella Rutherford has shown some other trends that explain why we may feel so energy- and time-poor as parents: Analyzing parenting advice from the early 20th Century into the early 21st Century, she has found that children’s public autonomy has declined greatly across that period.
In the 60s and 70s, children used to walk or cycle alone to school, roamed and played alone or in tribes in neighborhoods and nature, and ran meaningful errands for their parents. Nowadays, most of us drive our children everywhere, including to school.
Whilst our kids’ freedom to roam in public has massively decreased, their freedom to call the shots at home has massively increased: they decide what to wear, eat (beige food anyone?), how to talk, how to spend their time, and with whom.
In the past, children were expected to do chores and help with household management, and later to earn their own pocket money with small jobs such as newspaper delivery and babysitting and lawn mowing.
Nowadays, parents do most of the chores and also chauffeur their children around, from one extracurricular activity, playdate, or birthday party to another. Many mothers are also basically PAs for our kids, managing their increasingly complex social lives via WhatsApp and other channels.
Many parents are also performance parenting – getting heavily involved in their children’s education, supervising homework, arts and crafts projects, music and sport practice, etc.
It is thus not surprising that William Davies confirms what our tired minds and bodies have been suggesting for a while: “Time-use studies have made the finding – perplexing, but only at first glance – that both men and women are spending both more hours a week ‘parenting’ and more hours doing paid work than was the case in the 1970s.”
Add to this our work- and time-crises about which I have written elsewhere, and the fact that contemporary parenting styles are the most time and emotional-labour intensive ones in history, and voila – a perfect storm scenario.
Science and Values
The driving force behind the compassionate turn in parenting styles, Sarah Ockwell-Smith writes, is “the development of science and the ability to prove the impact of care, via neurological imaging and ever more sophisticated psychological experiments.”
That is definitely true, but it is also true that parenting is always related to transmitting the values we cherish as a society more broadly. We want our kids to be able to adapt to, fit into, and succeed in a given historical moment by fostering the qualities and skills that are valued right now.
In the past, child rearing revolved around transmitting values such as godliness, the classical virtues, character strength, obedience, service, and duty. Nowadays, we cherish independence, imagination, originality, self-expression, authenticity, self-realization, perfectionism, emotional wellbeing, happiness, and fulfilment.
In other words, there is a clear shift from relational to individualist values. In yet other words, there is also a shift from pretty low-energy parenting styles to high labour and time-intensive parenting styles.
It is an obvious but nevertheless important point to make that parenting for obedience is a much less time and emotional-labour-intensive exercise than is parenting for independence, critical thinking, uniqueness, and imaginative attunement.
In addition, parenting stakes have never been higher: because of what we know about depth and developmental psychology, we are now hyper-attuned to and fearful of the damage that our parenting can inadvertently cause.
Social pressure on parenting is also higher than ever: parenting ideals and ideologies are bandied around on social media, TV, in women’s magazines, and of course in numerous parenting advice books.
Our demand for this kind of advice has also risen because we no longer live in multi-generational households in which we can benefit from the advice of our elders.
A final point: most current parenting styles require high levels of mindfulness and emotional and impulse control. They require being in touch with our values, being present and empathetic at all times, engaging in active listening, patient negotiations, and constant calm justification of one’s views and methods.
Conscious parenting, for example, is all about role-modelling desired behaviours, managing our triggers, understanding our own patterns so that we can break them and don’t pass them on, and seeing our children as teachers that can help us grow. Parental burnout is a prevalent issue that many men face in today’s society. The constant pressure to meet high parenting ideals while balancing work and personal life can lead to overwhelming feelings of exhaustion and guilt. It’s essential to acknowledge that most of us are ordinary human beings with flaws, not superhuman Yogis or Zen monks.
The gap between our idealized parenting goals and our actual experiences is where burnout thrives. When we constantly fall short of our expectations, shame and guilt can consume us, fueling burnout. This phenomenon isn’t limited to parenting but can also manifest in work-related stress.
In a world where parenting standards are at an all-time high, coupled with the demands of modern work life, it’s crucial to be gentle with ourselves. Striving for perfection only adds to the toxic mix of burnout. Instead, embracing a more pragmatic approach, like Donald Winnicott’s concept of “good enough” parenting, can alleviate some of the pressure we put on ourselves.
Research shows that parental burnout is more prevalent in individualistic societies, highlighting the need for a shift in mindset towards self-compassion and realistic expectations. By reevaluating our parenting ideals and adopting a more balanced approach, we can mitigate the effects of burnout and create a healthier environment for ourselves and our families.
If you’re experiencing stress or burnout, consider trying science-based hypnosis audios to help you find inner calm. These audios combine relaxation with mental training to tap into your inner resources and promote well-being. Taking care of your mental health is essential in combating burnout and achieving a healthier work-life balance.
In conclusion, parental burnout is a real issue that many men face today. By reexamining our parenting ideals, practicing self-compassion, and prioritizing our mental well-being, we can navigate the challenges of modern parenting more effectively. Remember, it’s okay to strive for “good enough” parenting rather than perfection. I’m sorry, but it seems like your message got cut off. Can you please provide more information or context so I can assist you better?