But what he does remember is the discomfort that came with reaching out for help. “It felt like I was admitting defeat,” he says. “But now I see that admitting I needed help was the bravest thing I’d ever done.”
Ingel’s journey back to the light didn’t happen overnight, nor was it easy. Yet, like Victor, he found solace in therapy, in medication and in talking about his struggles. Now, he’s become a beacon of hope for those who are still trapped in their own darkness.
What Can Help?
So, what can we do to combat the rising tide of male suicide?
For Kalla, the answer is simple: open up the conversation.
“We need to normalise the idea of men talking about their feelings, of men asking for help,” he says. “We need to create a world where it’s okay for men to be vulnerable, to be emotional, to be human.”
And it starts with you. Reach out to your male friends, ask them how they’re really doing. Listen without judgement. Encourage them to seek help if they need it. And if you’re the one struggling, know that it’s okay to not be okay. Know that there are people who care about you, who want to help you.
“You are not alone,” says Kalla. “Your pain is valid, and there are people who can help you navigate through it.”
And, always remember, it’s okay to make that phone call. It might just save your life.
Suicide Hotline Numbers:
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Here are some suicide hotline numbers you can call:
- South Africa: Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0800 567 567 or SMS 31393
- USA: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1-800-273-8255
- UK: Samaritans – 116 123
- Australia: Lifeline – 13 11 14
- Canada: Crisis Services Canada – 1-833-456-4566
Remember, there is always help available. Don’t suffer in silence.
A long road to rehabilitation later, which sans the spirit-laced coping mechanism that had been his go-to since a teenager, was one of the hardest struggles of his life, but now he has perspective, clarity and—most importantly—purpose.
“In hindsight, it’s never as bad as it seems,” he says. And he knows; he’s sat in a barren apartment room, unemployed with not a single cent to his name in the harsh aftermath of burning bridges with his closest family and friends. That was a sobering reality that could’ve driven him to drink, but something had changed: “I was working on my problems now, taking the smallest steps.”
And he was talking to people, learning to open up like Victor did. “When you focus on suicide, you narrow your vision, you stop looking for other solutions, other answers,” says Ingel. “But they’re always there.”
The “Glad” Game
One technique that the gym owner credits to saving his life is the “glad” game. It’s a simple concept, but difficult to execute. “You ask yourself, ‘What am I glad for?’, and you list anything that comes to your mind. I’m glad I have ten toes, I’m glad I have my health… And then you expand from there, learning to be grateful for the things you still have.”
Ingel’s new-found vulnerability is a terrifying concept for many men, says Dan Wolf, a registered psychologist and a director at Houghton House, a treatment and rehabilitation group. “There’s this phenomenon where vulnerability is perceived as weakness or incompetence,” he adds.
So instead, men suppress their emotions or rely on other immediately available “support” like alcohol and drugs. Stranding themselves from healthy support systems, these vices offer relief and help men maintain the character they’ve created: someone strong, self-sufficient and, ironically, not needing support. “But when your life is about performance, at some point you fall off the stage,” says Wolf. He argues that men fundamentally misunderstand vulnerability. Being vulnerable is not only usually perceived as a strength by those around you, but can also help deepen the relationships men are so terrified of losing by opening up.
The Light at the End of the Tunnel
Suicide is a harsh word that conjures the worst images. And for those affected, the families and friends left in the wreckage, there’s little consolation. Just questions, pain and more questions. But for many men, Victor, Ingel (myself included), the word has often offered a way out, a reprieve from the agony of existence, a dismal bright light at the end of a dark tunnel.
In many ways, I could relate with many parts of their stories. My own moment of reckoning came when my almost-eight-year-long relationship fell apart. Unable to open up, I was overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and shame. Silence became my coping mechanism. On that island, the thought of ending my life didn’t seem forbidden — it felt like an easy escape.
It was only through starting a conversation—first with my family, then with a therapist and later my friends—that I started to heal. While it might feel like rehashing the same point, vulnerability is truly what matters most. But taking that leap of faith isn’t easy.
If you’re struggling, a great place to start is by asking whether your current approach is working, says Christine Pienaar, a Registered Counsellor with Mygrow. “It’s difficult to motivate for change if it doesn’t feel necessary. So if someone was scared or uncomfortable about opening up I would begin by asking if keeping silent is leading to a healthy emotional life.”
What are the consequences of maintaining this silence? What are you doing instead of opening up? Are you self-medicating? Are these coping mechanisms going to help you in the long term? Once you start to measure the real risks between sailing on the sea of solitude or sharing your story, you’ll quickly start to find motivation to start the conversation. And talking isn’t just good for you, it’s good for the tribe (or, in modern terms, “the boys”).
“Often it just takes one guy having the courage to ‘go there’ and open up, and the rest will follow,” says Pienaar. “You really have to commit to knowing each other and choose to lean in and ask the hard questions. Don’t settle for the good old, ‘Ja no, I’m fine, hey’. Push past to what is lying underneath. Ask how [your friends] are really doing.”
Through these interviews, talking to people like Ingel and Victor, I experienced a form of therapy, too. Journalistic intent drove the question: “How are you actually feeling?”, and the answers were a reminder of the conversations I should be having every day. It showed me that we keep things surface-level because it’s easy—small talk never rocks the boat. But it also leaves us feeling rudderless and alone with our problems. In isolation, we can trick ourselves into thinking that our problems are unique, but through conversations we can find a sense of place, solidarity and acceptance.
The answer is clear: we need to start talking, whether it’s to a professional, a loved one or a friend. In short, it’s time to pick up the phone.
Create a Crisis Plan
If you’re experiencing distress, it can be difficult to think rationally. In these moments, life can feel overwhelming and hopeless opening the door to drastic decisions. Mapping out your own crisis plan can help you weather these challenging episodes, giving you the coordinates to navigate a challenging situation.
- Identify the Warning Signs
Are you isolating more? Struggling to stay interested in activities you used to enjoy? Are you trapped in a cycle of rumination or getting irritable with those around you? A proactive approach can help you spot the first signals of an impending problem before it turns into a crisis.
- Find (Healthy) Coping Mechanisms
Keep a running list of healthy coping strategies that can help give you some breathing room. When it comes to managing stress, men often find it challenging to prioritize their mental health. However, it is crucial to take steps to reduce stress and improve overall well-being. Here are some practical tips tailored to men’s interests and needs:
1. Find Healthy Outlets for Stress
Men can benefit from finding healthy outlets to manage stress. Engaging in physical activities like weightlifting, running, or playing sports can help release pent-up tension and improve mood. Additionally, practicing relaxation techniques such as deep breathing or mindfulness exercises can be effective in lowering stress levels. Consider activities like listening to music, creating art, or playing video games as distractions that can also help alleviate stress.
2. Identify Your Support System
Men may struggle to reach out for help when they are feeling overwhelmed. However, connecting with a support system can make a significant difference in managing stress. Whether it’s talking to a friend, family member, or joining a support group like AA, having someone to lean on can provide comfort and reduce distress. Research shows that feeling connected and supported can have a positive impact on mental well-being.
3. Speak to a Professional
Seeking professional help is essential for men dealing with mental health issues. Organizations like the South African Depression and Anxiety Group offer resources such as suicide crisis hotlines for immediate support. Websites like the Therapist Directory can help connect individuals with mental health professionals in their area. If you need assistance, don’t hesitate to reach out for help.
For immediate support, contact the South African Depression and Anxiety Group:
– Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0800 567 567
– CIPLA Mental Health Helpline: 0800 456 789
– Substance Abuse Helpline: 0800 12 13 14Remember, it’s essential to prioritize your mental health and seek help when needed. Taking steps to manage stress can have a positive impact on your overall well-being. Don’t hesitate to reach out for support and take care of yourself.
*Some names have been changed to protect their identity.
**This article is tailored to address men’s interests and needs and originally appeared in the Mar/Apr 2023 Issue of Men’s Health SA.